by Frances Bernfeld, M.Ed., LMFT
We have come to expect satisfaction and happiness in marriage and other close and intimate relationships. People no longer want or need to endure miserable marriages or remain in unhappy relationships. Certainly we are all entitled to “the pursuit of happiness”. Many relationships may end needlessly because people do not have the tools and skills with which to make these connections not only survive but truly thrive.
As adults today, we are without role models for our intimate relationships. The marriages of our parents and grandparents bear little resemblance to our own. We are all pathfinders because most of us have never had the opportunity to learn the skills needed to maintain an intimate relationship.
We aren’t always ready for the dreams we have. Many of our deepest and most intangible desires, some of them not even full formed thoughts, are wrapped up in our dream of an ideal relationship. We hope for an end to loneliness. We fantasize about having our sexual needs fully met. We seek an end to acrimony and discord. We envision lives without masks, of being seen and appreciated for simply being who we are. We dream of feeling whole.
Therapy can be very effective in teaching us how to develop and sustain satisfying intimate relationships in our lives because they cover all aspects of relationships. There are seven areas of focus:
- Communication
- Self awareness
- Self esteem
- Couples awareness
- Understanding our personal history
- Fair fighting
- Negotiating for change
Communication
In order to improve communication we need to learn to express our feelings so that they can be heard without causing the other person to feel:
- Resentful
- Smothered
- Burdened
- Manipulated
- Inadequate
Therapy can teach how to recognize when our communication style is more of a problem than the actual problem we are communicating. Participants learn to clear the air of fear, pain and anger between themselves and their partners before trying to resolve conflicts. The ability to feel real empathy for each other is developed, instead of continuing to secretly resent traditional roles such as the nurturer or provider.
Self Awareness
Therapy can help develop self-awareness which is the opportunity to know and appreciate the rich complexity of each person’s unique personality. People are encouraged to trace their emotional history. This can uncover hidden expectations and communication styles which may be influencing relationships.
Self Esteem
Jealousy, lack of confidence and poor self-esteem are all related and can produce devastating effects on relationships. Everyone has the right to receive positive regard from others. We need to get our needs met and to feel good enough without having to prove anything. Yet so many people grow up seeking perfectionism or giving up because they know it really cannot be reached. Therapy will allow the clients to explore and expand their own feelings of value and self-worth.
Couples Awareness
In exploring couples awareness people can learn to acknowledge and enjoy the differences between themselves and their partners rather than see the other as a threat. Therapy can help couples recognize:
- The different roles each partner plays
- The masks each one takes on
- The behavior each one assumes when in different moods or circumstances
- To find out how they work or don’t work together
Couples can also learn to avoid the mind reading that so often leads to misunderstandings between partners. Most people make assumptions and expect that “if you loved me, you would know.”
Understanding Personal History
In a sense, all of our present actions are a result of everything that has happened to us in the past. Our experiences and the decisions and choices that we made at an earlier time affect our thinking, behavior and emotional responses now. From the time we were born and throughout our early development we had experiences, both good and bad, that helped form who we are today. What therapy can bring to you on this subject, there will be the opportunity to examine, understand and redefine the past in order to make new and healthy decisions freely, without having to be so strongly affected by our history.
Fair Fighting
Healthy relationships require that the participants learn to communicate and resolve anger constructively. The techniques and sensitivities of the “Fair Fight for Change” (developed by George Bach, Ph.D.). “The Relationship” must be the winner in any fight between caring couples. We can learn to:
- Express anger without destroying love
- Accept anger comfortably and non-destructively
- Recognize covert indirect expressions of anger
Methods for coping with either a fight-phobic or aggressive, hostile partner are taught. We can learn to fight in such a way that we actually resolve the issues at hand. This especially applies to problems relating to money, children, use of time, in-laws, ex-spouses, housework, sex, fidelity and jealousy.
Negotiating
Clients can learn how to negotiate understandings that allow for greater joy, pleasure and happiness in their relationships. We can learn to use a negotiating style in which each partner feels heard, respected and considered. This will avoid the use of power or control that can contribute to emotional withdrawal and feelings of retaliation. One of the goals is to give you the tools to enable you to arrive at a mutually agreeable, behavioral contract concerning what each partner offers and expects of the other. A relationship in which both people can live joyfully can be negotiated successfully.
Summary
Traditionally, marriages were based on “security, stability and raising children.” Today’s relationships have the added expectation for “love and intimacy.” Yet many of us grew up without appropriate examples of how to build, nurture and sustain loving intimate relationships with our spouses and family members. Therapy can teach the skills, personal tools and understandings needed to build healthy relationships that last. The relationship can then provide both partners with the love, pleasure and happiness that they expect and deserve.