by Frances Bernfeld, M.Ed., LMFT
Mental Health Resource Guide, 1999-2000
Divorce is a traumatic period in people’s lives which can produce considerable turmoil and pain for everyone. It can also bring relief to troubled families. If the only acceptable option for families is for the parents to divorce, the undesirable effects can be greatly reduced if family members can use the experience as an opportunity for continuing personal growth.
Children are the innocent victims of divorce, but there is a lot that conscientious parents can do to help. During divorce the children especially need to be given a strong sense of security and the knowledge that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents. Parents can best minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children by working out their own conflicts in private and resolving whatever anger and bitterness they may have for each other as quickly as possible. It is well established that open, unresolved hostility in front of the children is damaging to them. However, resolution is somewhat complicated and difficult since most people’s anger and resentment are also a normal and natural part of adjusting to divorce.
Divorce represents a loss, very much like the loss by death of a close family member. Parents and children alike experience grief and a sense of loss when in the midst of divorce. Seasonal events such as holidays and other special times are typically difficult occasions when family members are painfully reminded of their losses, either of fond, happy times or of the broken hopes and dreams for that which will never come to pass.
Divorcing parents should be realistic in their expectations for their future as a divorced family just as they should have had realistic expectation for the marriage in the first place. The family does not end with the divorce. It seems better to think of the “restructured” or “reorganized” family. Of course, family life will never be as it was for the intact family when the parents live apart. There may be some positive aspects of the family as it was which will be missed. However, there will be advantages to the new structure as well.
The behavior of the parents towards one another may determine the children’s adjustment to the divorce. There appear to be five types of post-divorce relations, according to Constance Ahrons, a nationally recognized expert in the area of divorce. The names speak for themselves. Perfect Pals are the spouses who seem to get along so well that everyone else wonders why they ever got divorced. Cooperative Colleagues are civil and have a good working relationship but are able to maintain some emotional distance from each other. Angry Associates appear able to tolerate each other and can cooperate but not without animosity. Fiery Foes are angry and hostile. They, like Perfect Pals, are also emotionally wrapped up in each other, but through so much conflict that they still seem to be married even long after the divorce took place. Last of all, the Dissolved Duos do not deal with each other at all, go their separate ways and act as if the other spouse and the marriage never existed at all.
Just as conflict between the parents can cause problems for their children, parents can err in their post-divorce adjustments phase by denying their negative feelings toward each other and being too good and too friendly. Families seem to do best if parents can allow themselves to become neutral before working out a more friendly relationship with each other. Overly friendly divorces can be confusing to everyone, especially young children who may hang on to hopes and develop false expectations that their parents may get back together again.
The children can naturally get caught in the middle of the parents’ conflicts because the parents divorced each other, not the children. For healthy adjustment, children need their parents to cooperate without fighting after the divorce. The spousal relationship ends with divorce but both will be parents as long as they and the children are alive. There will be major events to observe and to celebrate for a long time to come, especially if the children are still young. Cooperating parents in a successful divorce can reach a point in the future when they can both plan and work together for special occasions. It is sad that some parents who continue to fight can’t even attend significant events in their children’s lives if the other parent is going to be there too. There will be birthdays, graduations, recitals, sporting events, weddings, the arrival of grandchildren and many other times to celebrate. These occasions can be a source of pain and conflict even for adult children of divorced parents if the bitterness cannot be set aside.
It is especially important for parents to be sensitive when talking to children about divorce. It is best to be honest but at the same time to use discretion. Children should not be told about a possible divorce before a definite decision has been made. On the other hand, keeping them in the dark for too long can damage their trust. Children need to be protected from having to feel that they should take sides. They also need to be reassured about the future and that someone will take care of them. Parents may have a tendency to rely too much on children for emotional support. It is important to find other adults to talk to such as friends, relatives, a counselor, minister or support group. Providing structure, consistency and routine can help children to feel safe and secure. Above all, children need to feel free of their parents’ conflict.
Marriages may end but divorces go on forever—especially when there are children involved. Divorce is not an event that simply happens and is then over. It is an ongoing process that is continuously unfolding. Divorces can be successful or unsuccessful, depending on how people adjust and how hard they work to set aside their differences.